“And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out
your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter— they are so rusty,
so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped
dark inside you so long.”-Sylvia Plath
She picked herself up off the floor, feeling slightly light headed. Staring at her own reflection on the crystal surface of the pool, she- for the first time in a long time- questioned Devi Maiya. Why? Oh please tell me why? But the answer that swirled into her head was the same one. Fate. It's all destiny. It can't be changed. And the only person Khushi Kumari Gupta Singh Raizada backed down to without a fight was to her idol, her Devi Maiya.
Closing her eyes, she let the last of them fall, the tears she had been holding in for so long. Swiftly, she wiped her cheeks clean and let the rest of day daze by. Sometimes slow, sometimes fast. She couldn't even hold her child for more then 10 minutes at a time because he was the new hero of the house. The center of attention. Whether it was sometimes Payal, sometimes Nani, sometimes Mami, or sometimes Di, her baby never came to her. Such a small being had instantly become such a big part.
Khushi resisted looking at the clock in the late hours of the afternoon. She leaned against the window, closed her eyes, and let her skin soak in the warmth of the sun. Her head throbbed but she ignored it. Time was passing. Not one tick of the clock escaped her ears. Slowly, as if it were mocking her, the needles moved toward 8. The time of truth.
---
Arnav's changed attitude on this certain day was not missed by his employees. Maybe he started taking something else instead of insulin they commented. And that evening when Arnav smiled at the doorman as he left for home, the people concluded that he had truly lost it or turned to pharmaceutical help.
Truth was Arnav Singh Raizada had won. Everything he could ask for. Tonight he was going to make sure of it. He was going to put together the part of his heart that he had ripped out and thrown away. That part of his heart had come back to him, giving him another chance, and tonight he was going to heal what he had wounded.
---
Di had taken Shiv away from Khushi, as she was aware of her dinner plans. So Kushi sat alone. Sometimes, she would jump to her feet, ignoring her weak body's protest. She would pace the length of the room as plans brewed in her head. Nothing, however, could help her plan this without doing what she least wanted to do. As much as she hated it, she couldn't do this without hurting him.
The clock did its job without complaint, telling her that time was moving and not waiting for her. This time she would have to tell him the truth- or as much as she could of it. Grabbing her phone, Khushi typed out a text message asking for help and send it. This action soothed her, made her feel like she wasn't alone in this battle.
Then she heard the doorbell. Keeping her phone aside, Khushi sat down on the bed. Waiting.
---
Arnav was told Khushi was in her room and Shiv was with Nani. With a smirk he headed towards her door.
---
Khushi didn't look up as the door opened. She sat staring at her palms and she noticed how they lightly shook.
"Khushi?" He called to her. His voice, the love in it, she memorized it. She etched it into her heart because she knew those lips would never say her name with that emotion ever again. Not after tonight.
She looked up and managed a smile. He told her it was time to go and she went with him without complaint. She was dressed to perfection, he noticed, the simplicity in her look highlighting her beauty. The navy blue sari was an excellent compliment to her complexion. Arnav noticed that look in her eyes again. The distant, almost pained look that he didn't like kept flashing through her hazel orbs.
And with every step she took to the door of the Raizada mansion, she hated herself. She was leading him on, giving him hope. She was supposed to be honest! As they walked through the door, towards his car, Khushi stopped. The skies were foreboding, keeping in the storm that was to come.
"Arnavji?" Her voice shook but she kept her gaze on him steady.
"Kya hua, Khushi?" He turned. That look he disliked was settled in her eyes now, her voice shook. She must be nervous about dinner, he told himself. But there was something about her gaze on him, something about her stance that scared him.
"I- Uh... I need to talk." She said. Her voice cimbed an octave.
"We can talk during dinner, Khushi..." Why was she being so... so indirect?
"No. No, we can't go to dinner. We shouldn't go."
"Khushi, what-"
"Its wrong! We need to talk before anything more happens."
Her tone, the way her fists were now clenched onto her sari, it all worried him. There was an eerie feeling at the back of his mind which he tried to ignore as he waited for her reply."Wrong how? Khushi, tell me what you need to say clearly."
"Don't you want to know why I came back?" Her voice was frail.
That was what she needed to talk about? "Because of Shiv..." He started, but the look in her eyes faltered his confidence. "Right?"
Her vision blurred as she tried to speak. "No."
"What... No? Khushi..." There were tears in her eyes. He wanted to grab her shoulders and make her explain what was going on. But he didn't. He stood rooted as he looked at her unfathomable expression.
"I..." She stopped. She dropped her gaze as she spoke her next words. "I came back to ask you... to ask you..." She had to do this. "To ask you for a divorce."
The words were wrong. They sounded as if she should have never formed a sentence with them. It hurt her, how they sounded. But what was said, was said, and she couldn't take it back, she couldn't change fate.
And there stood he. Not responding. Looking like a child who didn't quite understand the happenings of life. He stood staring at her, his eyes flickering through screens of emotions.
This was supposed to be his second chance. No one was going to take it away from him, not even Khushi. He wasn't going to let her.
"No." He responded. She looked up, confused at his response. He took a step towards her. "Khushi, no, we're going to fix whatever happened. I'm going to fix this."
She took a step back. "N-No." She needed to get this over with. Why was he being like this? Why was he arguing with her?
"Khushi, don't be ridicu-"
"I'm not asking you for one. I'm telling you." She looked him in the eyes, using every ounce of strength her heart could muster.
"Khushi, please-"
"I'm here to get a divorce. The faster I get it, the faster I can go back." She saw it then and she hated herself. The last time she had seen this look was a year ago and even then she had been indirectly the cause of it.
Arnav took the necessary steps towards her before grabbing her shoulders. "What are you saying, Khushi? Khushi, listen to me, please? I can fix this, Khushi. We don't have to do this."
"I don't want you to fix it!" Khushi hadn't meant to shout the words. His promises, they were so appealing. She wanted to believe him, but she couldn't. She couldn't because this time the problem was beyond his control.
Arnav stared at her. Why was she doing this. She had no right! He was going to fix things, couldn't she see? What about Shiv? How could she want to ruin his life?
"Khushi, what are you saying?" He shook her by the shoulders, his own voice loud. "Why would you want to do this? What about Shiv?!" He shouted the last sentence.
Khushi squeezed her eyes shut at his last question. It was for Shiv that she was doing this. It was so that Shiv could be happy. But he couldn't know that. Not yet. So she kept her eyes shut as she said the words that shook her to the core. "You can have Shiv. I won't fight over him, or try to be a part of his life."
Arnav's hands repelled off Khushi's shoulders as she spoke. Anger- hot rage- overtook him. "What kind of a mother are you?" He spat his words. And Khushi flinched as she spoke.
"It's for his own good-"
"-No don't you dare! Don't you dare claim this for his own good! A mother leaving her child IS NEVER FOR ITS GOOD!" Arnav couldn't control his rage as the demons of his past came to haunt him. "Don't you dare talk like you are doing this for him."
Khushi stood still as she let her words do their work on Arnav. At last, he was reacting like she expected him to. It was necessary, she told herself. This hurt couldn't possibly be greater than what was to come if she had stayed.
Arnav watched her as she stood motionless, reaction less. "How could you, Khushi?" He sneered before he stormed back into the house. He couldn't stand the sight of her anymore.
---
Khushi stood still as he left her. As the sky darkened, she stood there and she shut her eyes. As the first drop of rain hit her cheek, she collapsed onto her knees. And as the rain started to pour down, her body fell and hit the ground. Limp, cold, and barely retaining life.
---
As the sky darkened, Arnav paced back and forth by the pool. As the first drop of rain hit his cheek, he realized that he had done this too many times. Too many times, he had walked away and let her go without an explanation. That couldn't happen this time, for he was being given a second chance. And as the rain started to pour down, he ran back to where he had left her. Except he didn't find his Khushi there. He found the blue figure that lay on the ground as the rain weathered her away.
---
"Khushi? Khushi!"
Her body was still as the rain beat against it. He ran towards her, falling beside her. Her body was limp as he tried to lift her into his arms.
"Khushi? What happened? Khushi!"
That's when he saw it. As he picked her up and laid her on his lap, he saw it. The trickle of blood that trailed from her nose, which was now being washed away by the rain.
"Khushi!"
His heart was stone cold. Yet with steady hands he lifted her body and ran towards the house, out of the rain. He laid her on the couch as he yelled for Hari Prakash. Payal was the first to reach him.
"Kya hua? Khushi! Arnavji, what happened?!"
Payal rushed to her sister's side. As she frantically grabbed her cold hands and rubbed warmth into them, she too noticed the blood.
"Chotte! Yeh saab? Kya hua, Chotte?"
Nani, followed by Anjali walked into the commotion. Arnav had no time to reply as the family doctor was being called on his phone. Ending the call he fell on his knees next to her.
"Khushi, open your eyes. Please?"
And Arnav Singh Raizada realized that for the first time, life had given him a second chance and he had failed to fully take chance of it.
Arnav Singh Raizada had not won, but lost.
---
The Sari: Here and Here
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